I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
pop tarts are not kleenex
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
