Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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