I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
