Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
