Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
