Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
