I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
