If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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