That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
