I murdered the dance floor call the cops
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
