I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
