She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
