Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
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