Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you win again, gameday.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
