Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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