ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
