The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
