Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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