Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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