If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
