I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
