Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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