someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
