Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
