He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
