sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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