i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Randomize
