please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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