I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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