her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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