Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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