Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
