I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
