theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
