I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
