this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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