I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
