hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
