i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
