dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Acid is not a monday night drug
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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