i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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