dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
