well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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