So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
