Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
