somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
