Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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