i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
