I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
