Sry I called you an 8
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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