My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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