We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
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I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
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His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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