Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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