mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
