my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
