Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
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We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
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Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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