so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
