I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
