you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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